Pretending I’m Not Holding You

“I hope you think of me
Whenever you use it—
And that it helps keep you warm.”

I’ve memorized the words
Written in all-caps
At a 15 degree angle

On a card that I haven’t looked at
In over a month
Because I know there’s a <3 at the end

As if to note, even then
“I’m not going to say ‘love’”
Despite the effort it took

This hand-knit throw
Is the warmest thing in my home
And yet I have to force myself to use it

Each crack from the windows
Feels like the words
I shouldn’t have waited to say

Is this what restraint sounds like
When it finally breaks
And the knife-cold rushes in

As I wrap myself
In what you spent weeks making
Pretending I’m not holding you